TRILLIUM HOST

Where "Enterprise Grade" Actually Means Something

🔥 POWERED BY PURE COPE AND CAFFEINE 🔥

🚨 LIVE: Server room flooded again - ETA: "Soon™"

🚨 BREAKING NEWS 🚨

• Our intern accidentally deleted production. Again.

• New feature: Random 503 errors for "authentic experience"

• CEO bought a Lambo instead of new servers. Priorities!

• We're now accepting payment in Dogecoin and exposure

Welcome to the REAL Cloud

Tired of hosting providers that actually work? Fed up with 99.9% uptime? Welcome to Trillium Host - where we promise exactly what every other host delivers: disappointment, but with HONESTY.

💥 Currently bbosing the competition to stay in business! 💥

* We're the hosting provider your boss will choose based on price alone

OUR LEGENDARY HISTORY

2019: Founded in a Starbucks with $50 and a dream

2020: Moved to garage after WiFi got cut off

2021: Discovered what "RAID" means (the hard way)

2022: Hired our first employee (my cousin Steve)

2023: Achieved 50% uptime (personal record!)

2024: Still here somehow 🤷‍♂️

HOSTING PLANS

INTERN SPECIAL

💾 512MB RAM (shared with 47 others)

🐌 0.5 CPU cores (when available)

💽 1GB SSD* (*actually HDD from 2009)

🌐 "Unlimited" bandwidth (1GB/month)

⚡ 99.9% downtime guarantee

🎲 Random reboots for excitement

🔥 Server runs on hopes and dreams

$2.99/mo

*Price increases to $29.99 after 1 month

STARTUP DESTROYER

💾 2GB RAM (actually 1.7GB after OS)

🐌 2 CPU cores (throttled during peak hours)

💽 20GB NVMe* (*SATA SSD, marketing team lied)

🌐 Unlimited bandwidth** (**fair usage applies)

⚡ Load balancer (nginx proxy on same server)

📈 Scales automatically (down only)

🚀 Perfect for your MVP (Minimum Viable Panic)

$9.99/mo

**Fair usage = 100MB/day

ENTERPRISE NIGHTMARE

💾 8GB RAM (6GB reserved for monitoring)

🐌 4 CPU cores (Intel Xeon from 2012)

💽 100GB Enterprise SSD (RAID 0 for speed)

🌐 Dedicated bandwidth (shared with 3 others)

⚡ 24/7 support (chatbot named Steve)

📊 Compliance ready (we have a PDF)

🏢 Enterprise SLA (very official looking)

$49.99/mo

*Setup fee: $199 (mandatory)

PROVIDERS WE'VE BEEN TERMINATED FROM

Our track record speaks for itself. These hosts couldn't handle our... unique approach to business.

WindHostReason: "Excessive support tickets"

CosmicShieldReason: "Caught sending DDoS attacks"

CrunchBlocksReason: "CEO reported us to FBI"

GoldfishReason: "Got cease and desist letter"

🔥 MORE COMING SOON 🔥

Currently working on bbosing at least 3 more providers this quarter (it's our business model)

VS THE COMPETITION

OTHER HOSTS:

❌ Lie about uptime
❌ Hide true costs
❌ Pretend to care
❌ Use fancy marketing
❌ Promise the impossible
❌ Cry when we outperform them

TRILLIUM HOST:

✅ Honest about being terrible
✅ Upfront about hidden fees
✅ Openly don't care
✅ Marketing by memes
✅ Promise disappointment (and deliver!)
✅ Make competitors question their life choices

💡 PRO TIP: Our competitors spend millions on marketing. We spend $12 on memes and bbosing - still winning.

PREMIUM FEATURES

✅ Auto-scaling (server crashes when traffic spikes)
✅ CDN included (single server in Ohio)
✅ DDoS protection (we unplug the router)
✅ Daily backups (to the same failing drive)
✅ 1-click installs (that break your site)
✅ Free SSL (expires every 30 days)
✅ Monitoring dashboard (shows everything is fine)
✅ AI-powered support (ChatGPT from 2021)
✅ Quantum computing ready (we have no idea what this means)
✅ Blockchain integration (we mine crypto on your server)

SUPPORT EXPERIENCE

You: Server is down

Steve: Have you tried clearing your cache?

You: The entire server is offline

Steve: Please restart your browser

You: I'm SSH'd into the server, it's kernel panic

Steve: This sounds like a you problem

Steve has left the chat

Ticket closed: Resolved ✅

🏢 Datacenter Location: My friend's garage in Nebraska
📧 Support: [email protected] (we don't check this)
📞 Emergency Line: 1-800-NOT-REAL (plays hold music forever)

"We put the 'reliable' in Trillium Host experience"

⚠️ Warning: May cause existential dread and trust issues